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**Editor’s note — Our guest blogs are written by people involved in the Denver music scene, whether it’s being a musician or just supporting our musicians in some way. This week’s guest is a member of the well-loved local collective Everything Absent or Distorted.

When I learned that Tiffany and Cassie of Wayward Panties were elite members of the dreaded bike gang The Patsy Leotards, I couldn’t help but lapse into fantasies of the ensuing turf wars between the Patsy Leotards and my own bike posse, Critical Dumbass.

As a measurable balance to the dreamy violent images of be-wigged women swinging maces and baseball bats at the advancing army of motley dumbasses brandishing switchblades and dripping pomade, I also envisioned a compendium of various bike factions that would join on the streets and cruise collectively as the sun set over the beautiful Rocky Mountains and the legion whistled along to the sweet sounds of summer as gentle breezes played at our expensive haircuts.

In my mind, I had to soundtrack these two disparate fantasies, and as a result I offer up the following playlist as an A side/B side set with the music chosen very specifically for drunken, cocaine-fueled bicycle knife fights and lazy, romantic pedals through the majestic parks of Denver:

A Side: Presta

Pere Ubu – “Heart of Darkness” – Listen to this song on your way to a bike gang rumble. Make sure to choose your weapon wisely. Will you swing a length of chain? Will you truncate skulls with a lead pipe? Switchblade to kidneys? Louisville Slugger? Disaffection never sounded so good.

Metallica – “Motorbreath” – Choke on exhaust. Cough up the dust of the industrial age that is collecting in your lungs, swing your u-lock in menacing arcs as you and your gang stand in formation across from your rivals in an abandoned parking garage.

Mclusky – “To Hell with Good Intentions” – With the boastful lyrics of Andy Falkous coursing through your mind, you’ll be ready to rumble indeed, shouting “my love is bigger than your love” into the shrieking faces of your bicycle nemesis.

Bikini Kill – “Star Bellied Boy” – Funnel the sexual frustration and rage that Kathleen Hanna spews on this track into your ability to pull off powerful roundhouse kicks and eye-gouging.

The Volts – “Ballbreaker” – J.R, the lead singer of long defunct The Volts, is a Denver rock legend. I wouldn’t dream of stabbing somebody in the face with a bicycle spoke without studying some of his spasmodic stage writhing. Better than a Kung-Fu class.

Nirvana – “Tourettes” – One and a half minutes of knuckle crunching, bottom bracket breaking vitriol. Quite a climax to a bike brawl.

The Deviants – “I’m Coming Home” – Psychedelic bliss that will guide you home in victory or defeat with all of the vim and vigor of a good ass beating stirring up your stomach.

Side B: Schraeder

Soapy Argyle – “I Ride My Bike in the Snow” – Denver’s Greg Hill, a man without a sense of smell or an untalented bone in his body, offers up this gem of a sing-along that is as appropriate a declaration in summer as it is when you are pedaling though a blizzard.

Sam Prekop – “Showrooms” – Whenever you’re feeling like a romantic jaunt, Prekop presents the perfect balance of indie rock and 70’s smooth jazz to keep your flip flops rotating on your pedals in gentle circles, keeping time with the song as your Garbage Pail Kids card flaps against your spokes.

Silver Jews – “Smith and Jones Forever” – This song has nothing to do with anything but has the lyric: “Grass, rabbits, grass, rabbits, grass, rabbits, grass, rabbits, grass.” That lyric rests on a bicycle ride like a scoop of ice cream on a piece of strawberry-rhubarb pie.

Van Morrison – “Astral Weeks” – Aside from being the sole subject of the pocketbook that should be printed for awkward teenagers entitled “How to Love”, this song is the perfect accompaniment to gazing skyward without cares as you coast down Capitol Hill surrounded by your favorite bikers.

Sleater-Kinney – “Modern love” – Man or woman, young or old, try riding around your neighborhood singing this song at full volume and you’ll finally clear your arteries, those pipelines that run straight into your heart, of any blockages caused by being such a cynical prick.

Stereolab – “Come and Play in the Milky Night” – All of the ethereal planets are spinning above you and you are a speck of dust, momentarily filled with the blissful swell of life as your lungs expand and contract under the boughs of giant maple trees swaying in the breeze.

Malajube – “Étienne Dáout” – Because beautiful songs sung in French and being beautiful on your bike go hand-in-hand, and anybody who wants to argue with me about it can see me after I’ve listened to Side A of this wee mix.

The National – “Fake Empire” – See lyrics below. We are the dreamers dreaming. Enjoy your bicycles, lovers!

Stay out super late tonight picking apples, making pies
put a little something in our lemonade and take it with us
we’re half-awake in a fake empire
we’re half-awake in a fake empire

Turn the light out say goodnight
no thinking for a little while
lets not try to figure out everything it wants
It’s hard to keep track of you falling through the sky
we’re half-awake in a fake empire
we’re half-awake in a fake empire

**Listen here and see why E.A.O.D. is one of Wayward Panties’ biggest crushes: Everything Absent or Distorted.

As his fans pointed out, and I forgot to mention, Robert Rutherford is indeed one of the foxy foursome in Rabbit is a Sphere, too. Listen to them here: Rabbit is a Sphere